the path to healthy relationships

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Colossians 3:12-13

I’m struck with some powerful principles about human relationships from these two verses. The truth challenges me and calls me to live differently than I normally would be wired to react. These principles involve deliberate choices when my worst reactions might want to come tearing out of me.

1. Relational stability requires deliberate effort. It does not just happen. I have to apply myself to God’s truth. I can make changes in my actions, but have no power for other people to do the same in their lives. So I must “put to death” what Paul calls “earthly” passions (Colossians 3:5-10). Once these are recognized as wrong and repentance is started, I must complete it by also “putting on” the character that Christ calls me to exhibit. I make the choice and commit to the change. God supplies the means in Christ, but I am expected to live it out actively.

2. Change is both internal and external. God changes me (He chose me, He loves me, He made me holy - Colossians 3:12) and I also “put on” the change. It works out of the new life that Christ creates in faith. Without first believing the gospel I cannot change. But belief must always show in action. It will be seen by compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience in my actions. I pray such things will be what people see in me, and hope that this character outline is truly the man I am known to be.

3. Forgiveness covers my complaints about others. Sooner or later in any human relationship there will be an action or attitude that hurts a person. It is easy for me to hold such complaints against another person… to see their sin as so great and mine as so insignificant. But we are called not to hold grudges, cast judgment, make a record of wrongs, or point fingers. We are told instead to seek to be forgiven and forgiving when relational dissonance is experienced. This is a loving and gracious commitment. I struggle to be this way, but want to receive this kind of treatment, so I commit to forgiveness as my hope in all conflict.

4. Jesus is the standard for relational peace. We forgive as Jesus forgives us and because He has forgiven us. We sacrifice our demands, we humble our hearts, we surrender to our Savior’s standard, and we forgive. This high standard keeps us focused on Jesus Who is our peace. With Him as the center, the focus of our hopes and ambitions, the Lord over our thoughts and actions, our relationships can thrive!