Crushed

A man's spirit will endure sickness,

but a crushed spirit who can bear?

Proverbs 18:14

As I reflect on this profoundly simple proverb, I take into account its undeniable observation. In life, we can endure much sickness of the body. But when the soul is crushed under the weight of loss, abuse, or relentless trauma or stress, a person may find life too hard to bear. I’ve seen this as a pastor and counselor for decades of personal ministry to the hurting. And in God’s providence, I’m in a season of personally experiencing a degree of it right now.

I experienced the first part of this proverb as 2023 began in January and February as God called me to minister in terminal illness. Looking back on that experience, it was actually a kind of precious gift. It gave me 24/7 access to the one my soul loves most on this earth. For at least the first four weeks of that season we spoke deeper, shared much loving conversation, settled our souls that it was ending, and I cared for her with much less of my own selfishness that I had ever cared our entire 36 year marriage. We expressed joys, thanksgivings, and both of us really agreed that even in past hard times we had no regrets. She even shared her thoughts and wishes for my future without her and encouraged me even as she was herself dying. This was beautiful. This was a kind of happy, sad ending. The sickness was endurable as God’s grace led us intimately together.

But when death came, the crushing for me began. It wasn’t the crushing of an unknown eternity. I handed her over to her True Bridegroom and felt like He had taught me to love her as He loves His Church. Her suffering ended. That part was and is still glorious to me. The crushing though is felt most in the immensity of her absence. Four decades of a lovely and loving presence that was ALWAYS there for me was ripped away and is gone for the days I have left on this earth. And as much as I lean into the promise that God’s Spirit dwells in me, God’s Word comforts me, that Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me, and that God the Father always sees me graciously through the righteousness of His Son, I still feel the loss. It does not crush me into complete impotence. But it does bear down on me forcing me to realize life’s tasks are more difficult than they used to be. It takes all the eternal perspective I can find to blunt the edge of grief’s piercing blows. But the blows are still heavy and the enemy wants to use them to crush me. And they would indeed crush me completely if not for God’s gracious work in me.

I am thankful that God provides perspective so my spirit is never completely crushed! And in the big picture, which I cling to with tears tenaciously, eternity will have no more tears (Revelation 21:4)! Indeed, in Christ, I will endure! I will go on now, with hope and a longing for a joy I was made for, remembering the song of the redeemed, until that final day, when my joy is completely restored.