weaned from my demands

O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;

my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things

too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the LORD

from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 131

Anxiety overwhelms me if I go too far into territory only God controls. Two particular interrogatives mess me up: “Why?”… and “When?”. Those questions have often sought to control my mind this year especially. They turn me into a terrible demanding spiritual crybaby. “Why did this happen?” “Why do I have to now live this way?” “Why did you not answer my prayer as I, and so many others, desired?” “When will I be happy again?” “When will I not feel so bad?” 

I put all these questions in the category of “God questions” that I cannot possibly answer, even as they sometimes pour out of me. I realize that they represent, as David describes here, things that are too great and too marvelous for me to know… unless God chooses to reveal the answers. I must learn to calm my soul when such toddler-tantrum questions start to control my thinking.

And it takes growth in order to calm and quiet my soul. The image of a weaned child captures the spiritual task perfectly. The questions that drive me to God are filled with demanding want. There is no self-discipline to them. Like an infant screaming until mother’s milk is offered, I only think of what I think I need from God, little loving Him, incessantly demanding from Him. I only see Him in those “why” and “when” questions as an immediate gratifier, not a mighty God Whom I should submit to and obey. Yet He will still hold and nourish me, even as He moves, by gentle denial of what I think I crave, to mature me in my wants and self-control.

So I must calm and quiet my soul. I must recognize times where my emotion starts demanding from God rather than worshiping and resting in Him. I must recognize just when my questions start turning into tantrums. I must learn to feed myself on scripture, on the journaling of God’s past faithfulness in past seasons of difficulty, on the strength of what others say and do for and with me in Christian community and fellowship that helps me be more reliant and patient. I must choose to let all those experiences calm my anxious, screaming need, and then I can feed well on God’s always abundant provision, mercy, and the countless daily gifts He has given to me as my loving Father! “…like a weaned child is my soul within me.”