the grace of weeping

And he went out and wept bitterly.

Luke 22:62

Peter realized that he had indeed denied Christ three times just as Jesus predicted. It hit him hard. Luke’s account has Peter trying to keep some kind of safe distance as Jesus is on trial at the home of the high priest. Peter hangs back in the courtyard trying to keep a low profile. Twice people connect him to Jesus and he denies it. An hour goes by and another person strongly insists Peter HAS to be one of Jesus’ men. Fear skyrockets in Peter. He strongly denies the observation. As the words are still leaving him, a rooster crows. And then like a cinematic drama, Luke cuts to the face of Jesus turning to deliberately gaze directly into Peter’s eyes. That look cut into Peter’s soul.

That’s when Peter lost it. Bitter tears of regret, grief, pain, bewilderment, and shame filled his eyes as he abruptly left the courtyard and wept sobs of agony over his denials.

There are many kinds of tears. A person can weep shedding multiple streams of them in one good cry. Sorrow can mix with repentance. Shame can mix with anger. Regret can mix with bargaining. Joy can mix with intense loneliness. Memory can mingle with fantasy. Weeping is usually a very mixed-up business. At least that is my experience these days. Peter’s bitter weeping grips my heart as I read it because I feel deep in my chest the depth of those two words right now: wept bitterly.

I can envision how painful it would have been to have Jesus make eye contact with you as you denied Him. Perhaps no more bitter tears could ever fall than Peter’s at that moment. I can relate to the intensity of the emotion. Peter was overcome with feelings… the tough guy fisherman reduced to sobs. But those tears, hard as they were, would be the start of restoration for him. They would cleanse the wounds of His hurt of knowing Jesus was going to die. They would prepare His heart to be strong for Jesus. His perspective on his denials would be changed by a resurrected Savior! Tears can blur us only temporarily. God will use them to clear our vision and show us Jesus in all His glory.

I embrace weeping these days. Tears make a strong man of me, with a softer heart, with more capacity to love, with a humility to put myself squarely in the arms of the Man of Sorrows Who has borne all my grief. I do not have to weep bitterly, but I will welcome a clearer vision in God’s good and gracious time. And if my tears bring that, then they are drops of grace from a loving God.