talking to myself

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:5

This refrain rings twice in Psalm 42 and it is quite interesting and very practical. It is spiritual self-counsel that I am reminded I need. The psalmist is confronting his emotional state. He is questioning his soul and pushing beyond an emotional perspective to deeper truth. The psalm does not deny the reality of feeling depressed. It sums it up succinctly. There were two symptoms of deep sadness described early in the psalm: 1) tears flowing easily any time of day or night. 2) wishful thinking focused on a perceived better past.

So the self-counsel asks “why”. Why am I so down? But is also maintains true faith perspective beyond just a mere emotional outlook - “Hope in God!” Yes, it is okay to talk to yourself… to ask yourself why you feel how you feel. And in doing so, lean into faith beyond your feelings! God is your hope. God is bigger than this for He is worthy of praise. He is salvation. He is God.

I have seasons of possessing a downcast soul like this. In fact, what medical prognosticators call “Seasonal Affective Disorder” is something I experience to one degree or another at this time of year. Some years it is mild. Some years it is worse. I know this about myself. It is one reason why I have been hovering in the Psalms lately. As daylight shortens I catch myself feeling sad at losses, dreading longer nights, even angry that my “free time” mornings and evenings are spent in darkness. Even now, my early morning devotional time is surrounded by darkness as sunrise is still a ways away. It feels so long. 

During late fall and early winter I can slip into comparison with the past as well, tending to remember decades past with a wistful sadness, grieving life change. Feeling like pre-empty nest parenting was the fun and easy summer of life. Unrealistically comparing past decades of ministry as “better” (wake-up call: they were hard too!). Just feeling wistful over nearly everything! Feeling like the best of times are gone for good. But that is not true. Those are feelings, and attributing actual fact to them is a lie. When I cherish these feelings in my heart, I am no longer hoping in God.

To “put my hope in God” involves repenting of my false treasures of long days or past ministry experiences. Instead I trust God to keep doing the new thing even in what feels like shorter days… He commands His grace now. His song is with me now. (Psalm 42:8). And talking to my soul, I choose to trust God. And the earth will turn by His command… the coming winter will be spring soon enough. God… not time… not my feelings… not my wants… is my salvation.